Sunday, 28 November 2010

Randomly Sleepless

I woke up at 420 this morning. Upsetting, I know and, in my case, an extreme rarity. But for some odd reason it's midnight and I'm still awake... I haven't spent this many hours conscience since my last paper was due.

I hate being sleepless. I'm sure for others it is just as frustrating. Everyone hates when their desired goal eludes them but my is more hateful due to it inevitable progression. If I don't sleep I will just lay, for hours, listening to the clock tick and thinking about how terrible I am. I will relieve every dark moment, most of which healthy people would have forgotten by now and by the end of the first hour I will be completely sure I'm the worst person alive.

Tonight I find that my feelings are far darker than usual... but some of the worst thoughts I've had in a while (obviously they shall not be outlined here) have led me, oddly back to research. Weirdly phrased I know, I shall explain. I want to begin a study, which shall be difficult considering I have no current academic affiliation, investigating the suicidal thoughts of the 'normal' population. Mainly, because I understand everyone things about it but wonder if frequency over time and not just planning should be a warning sign. Also, I wonder how deeply investigated the common return of 'well, yeah, everybody thinks about it' has been. Furthermore, I love it when the 'diagnosed' get to be the control group, it should happen more often in psychological research. I miss school...

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